


The Great Kuvira

by minusxero



Series: The Dorkaverse: Wherein Everyone is a Dork [2]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: A Funny Thing Happened at the Sato House, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: Still Have Powers, Baatar is a dork, Comedy, Doesn't exactly work, Dorkaverse, Everyone is a dork, Kuvira Week, Kuvira Week 2015, Kuvira is a dork, Or at least trying to be funny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-06 04:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4207542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minusxero/pseuds/minusxero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kuvira is a dork and it's hard to believe she was able to take control of the Earth Kingdom in the first place.</p><p>Part 2-ish of the Dorkaverse (See: A Funny Thing Happened at the Sato House). It's in the same Universe as AFTHATSH, but it's not AFTHATSH? Prequel I guess? I don't know.</p><p>Modern AU. Be prepared for pop culture references. Bending still exists as well.</p><p>The chapter ideas originate from Kuvira Week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Great Orphan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few days ago, I decided the Kuvira Week prompts would be a great way of working around my writer's block for A Funny Thing Happened at the Sato House. Then I realized, "I CAN MAKE THIS A PART OF THAT UNIVERSE!"
> 
> So basically, Kuvira is also a huge dork.
> 
> Day 1: Childhood or Dreams

The Yao Longs stood outside the orphanage, a large mansion-like building with three floors and way too many windows. Husband and wife clasped their hands together, staring deeply into the eyes of their respective partners.

“Are you sure?” asked Pilar, a woman who looked 20 years younger than reality, aside from the gray roots seeping into her brown hair.

Her husband, a lanky man in a yellow button-up and green slacks named David, nodded. “It’s been too long since we’ve heard the joy of children’s laughter in the house.”

“You say that now,” Pilar replied, “but in a few weeks you’ll be-”

“We’re already here,” David interrupted. “What could be the harm?”

With that, the two stepped into the orphanage.

* * *

“And that concludes the tour of our facility,” the young woman in glasses, Lisa, said brightly. “At this point, you’ve met nearly all of the adorable kids we’re taking care of, so if you’d like to schedule a follow-up visit with any, just let me know!”

The couple were pleased with their visit thus far. All the children had been kind and courteous, and the orphanage was very well-maintained. Pilar in particular had fallen in love with an older, more studious girl named… what was her name again? Zatana? Zhurrick? She was sure it started with a Z. The girl had a liveliness in her eyes, but seemed quiet and withdrawn in some ways. Pilar also liked how the girl always addressed them as "sir" and "ma'am". Respect was always nice.

Before she could ask, however, her husband interjected.

“Wait,” he started. “You said NEARLY all of the kids. Who did we miss?”

The director of the orphanage who was standing next to Lisa seemed to pale. “Oh, that would be Kuvira. But it’s best not to disturb her right now. She’s busy.”

David scratched his head. “Busy? Doing what? Can we see?”

Lisa shook her head furiously, and the director seemed to imitate the sentiment. “That wouldn’t be wise," Lisa responded. "She takes her time here very seriously and it’s not in our best interests to…”

Pilar was getting irate. “Why would you purposefully hold a couple of prospective parents AWAY from a child who may need us?” The thought was galling to the Yao Long matriarch.

“I agree with ‘Lar,” David said, his face getting red. “I was told this was the best orphanage this side of Ba Sing Se. May we see the child?”

The young lady also grew a bit red at the comment. She turned to the director, who pondered for a moment, tight-lipped. Finally, she nodded curtly. “Absolutely,” she said. Then she muttered under her breath, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

David and Pilar were lead to the far end of the orphanage, where a worn wooden door stood at the end of the hallway. Those last few steps seemed particularly foreboding, and the couple couldn’t figure out why.

Then the bespectacled worker opened the door and allowed the Yao Longs to step inside.

Pilar’s eyes immediately reacted to the bright light as she winced. There were multiple gasps.

_“Oh God no-”_

_“Why? Why would you-”_

_“You should’ve listened. You should’ve listened to her.”_

As Pilar’s eyes adjusted, she saw a peculiar sight.

There were three couples and a few solitary adults, all sitting at desks with papers in front of them. At the end of the room there was a platform. And atop the platform, stood a young girl with a piercing stare next to a slide projector. Her hands were clasped behind her back, her feet separated into an almost militaristic stance of authority.

“Welcome,” the child said, as she used her metalbending ability to shut the door behind them. “You are late for class. We must start the lecture over.”

The entire “class” groaned. Some of the adults turned towards the Yao Longs with deadly glares.

The girl gestured to a pair of empty seats near the front. “My name is Kuvira Feng," she said, pointing at her the wall where "Kuvira, age 8 and 15 days" was scrawled in purple and green crayon. "And I shall be your proctor for the duration of your stay. Please, take a seat.”

The couple quietly complied. A bright-eyed man in spectacles smiled at them from across the desks. “Hi,” he said. “I’m Baatar.”

Baatar reached out a hand, and David shook it numbly. “I’m David," he replied, then gestured at his wife. "And this is Pilar. What is she doi-”

“I will not stand for idle chit-chat during my lecture,” Kuvira said very coldly. “Baatar, that includes you.”

“Sorry, Ms. Kuvira,” the slightly graying man apologized meekly.

The metalbending girl nodded, then went up to the overhead projector.

“This first slide,” she said, “is entitled ‘Distribution of Rewards: When to Give Kuvira Candy and Which Candies are appropriate.'”

A couple of complex-looking graphs drawn in different colored sharpies appeared on the overhead display. “Now as you can see, only in very dire situations are Almond Joys appropriate. 95% of the time, good behavior is most easily rewarded with peanut butter cups.” At the comment, she gestured with a metal pointing stick at the orange and brown-striped section of the pie chart, which had a smiley face drawn atop it in black. “Any questions?”

Baatar had his hand raised. “Our family has a history of peanut allergies,” he started. “Are there viable alternatives for rewarding good behavior?”

A curt nod from Kuvira. “Excellent question, and something I’ve factored into my next slide.” The girl slid the transparent paper off the projector and placed another atop it.

A woman near the back muttered something that sounded like “suck-up,” which caught Kuvira’s ever-attentive ear.

“Do you have something you want to share with the class, Nima?”

All eyes turned to the woman, who gathered every ounce of courage she had and stood up. “Yeah,” she said, her voice slightly wavering. “Why should we listen to a little brat like you? We’re the ones deciding on adoption!”

A few nodded. The rest, who seemingly knew better, turned away embarrassed. Kuvira’s eyes narrowed.

“Five points from Mrs. Nima,” she said, which caused a groan to emit from her husband. Nima jabbed him with her elbow in annoyance. The girl strode over to a clipboard on the windowsill, and made a mark with the green crayon in her hand. “Make note of that as well, Mr. Junior."

David followed the sightline of the little girl and saw a stuffed polar bear dog wearing a baseball cap and glasses, clipboard next to him as well. Kuvira smiled at the toy. "Thank you, Junior."

The girl turned back towards Nima. "And to answer your question, you’re not deciding to adopt me.”

Kuvira then glared at all of her students. “I’m deciding if I want to adopt YOU.”

The Yao Longs were very much wishing they had listened to the adoption worker a few minutes ago.

“Now let’s get back to the lecture. Please feel free to take notes as there will be an exam at the end of the lesson,” Kuvira continued. She gestured at the next slide, which had the word CHORES written in all caps with a frowning face drawn next to it. Underneath it were lines of hand-scrawled notes. Baatar began scribbling furiously on his notepad.

"Now, as outlined in these bullet-points regarding chores, we can see that alternative rewards for good behavior can include, but are not limited to, giving of chores to other people, bear hugs, really, really, really large teddy bears..."


	2. The Last Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuvira is the best at everything. Even at the cost of her own life.
> 
> Day 2: Drunken Nights/Redemption

"Oh fuck."

"What is it, Junior?" asked Huan.

"SHE'S here." Bataar Jr. gestured with his head towards the door, where, still clad in her guard uniform, Kuvira stood. They were at a house party held by one of their schoolmates. The alcohol was plentiful and moods were high. As were most of the people.

Junior's younger sister Opal scoffed, as she grabbed Huan's joint and took a drag. "What's the big deal?" she asked over the thumping sounds of Justin Timberlake's SexyBack. "You've got a crush, it's a party it's a party it's a partaaaaaay and you're drunk. Just ask her out!"

Junior shook his head violently. "That's not what I mean. You don't know her like I do. This can only mean bad news."

Huan tilted his head. "She not a drinker?"

"Is she going to rat us out for the drugs?" asked Opal.

Before the two could continue, Kuvira had found them. Hands clasped behind her back, she gave a curt nod to each Beifong. A slight smile and a shade of pink when she nodded at Junior. "So," she started, gesturing with one of her hands. "This party seems to be bumping."

Huan snorted. "Did you just say 'bumping'? Like, with a G?"

The off-duty guard allowed herself a smile. "Yes. It may surprise you Huan, but I AM with the times."

Opal groaned. "Nobody who says that is ACTUALLY with the times, Kuv." She brightened up. "Anyways, you're late and totally behind. You need to catch up on drinks!"

Junior was now standing behind Kuvira and staring daggers into Opal's eyes. His right hand was up, pointer finger extended. He crossed his neck with the finger and mouthed "Stop, what's wrong with you, shut up, why." At that moment, Kuvira, turned to glance at him and he quickly composed himself to a neutral expression.

"I'm behind, am I?" she slowly repeated. Kuvira's eyes narrowed. "That's unacceptable. How many behind am I?"

Junior sighed. Huan, now caught up on what may happen, muttered something about the bathroom before walking off. Opal, unaware, laughed. "Oh boy, we've been here for like hours, Kuv. I think I've had like, six beers and four shots of vodka so far."

A glint caught in Kuvira's eye. "I can do that." She paced over to the cooler to the side of the kitchen island and wordlessly flipped it open. Opal followed her and watched as Kuvira started pulling out bottles.

"What are you doing?" the Beifong girl asked.

Kuvira popped open a bottle with her metalbending and looked Opal straight in the eye. "What do you think? I'm catching up." She began chugging.

* * *

"Yooooou," drawled Kuvira, who had since removed all her armor and was clad in work slacks and a tanktop, "are a very pretty man."

Her arm was wrapped around Bataar Jr., who was a pleasant shade of pink and had a ridiculous grin on his face. They were sitting on a bench outside, where it was (if only barely) more quiet than inside the house. "Thanks Kuvira."

She sloppily kissed his cheek. "You will make a trophy wife one day."

Junior's eyebrow raised. "I'm not sure that's how it works."

Kuvira stared at him intently. "Yes it is."

"...yes ma'am."

"WHO WANTS JELLO SHOTS!" shouted Tien, the senior who had thrown the party.

"I DO!" shouted Kuvira, abruptly rising from her seat. Junior fell over at the sudden movement. The drunk girl found her way towards the boy, who had a tray of plastic shot cups in his hand. "How many are there?"

Tien appraised the woman. "I made like, 30."

"So if I drink 16, there's no way anyone can have more than me, right?"

The senior laughed. "These are mixed with Everclear. Probably wouldn't be a goo-"

"So if I drink 16, there's no way anyone can have more than me, right?" Kuvira repeated, swaying in place.

"...umm, yes?"

Without another word, Kuvira began collecting cups. Tien began to protest, until the woman glared at him. The stare held for a good minute before she said, "I am the greatest drinker of all time."

She then began devour the jello cups at a furious pace.

* * *

"Kuv, you've had WAY too much to drink," Opal insisted, trying to push her adoptive sister back inside. "You need to stop now."

"No Suyin," said Kuvira, "YOU'VE had too much to drink." She stopped suddenly. "You... you're trying to-hic! Drink more than me, aren't you?"

"I'm worried for your heal-"

"I've only had like, um," Kuvira began arbitrarily counting on her fingers. "Fifteen beers, seven shots of vodka, sixteen jello shots, cheeseburger, and three marijuanas."

Opal crinkled her nose. "Three marijuanas?"

"Three WHOLE marijuanas," Kuvira corrected. "And I have been told they're doing some sort of thing with a um, thing out here."

"WOOO KEG STANDS!" shouted one of the partygoers, speeding out the door towards where a crowd had formed in the backyard.

"Su... mom? Can I call you mom? What's a keg stand?" Kuvira asked.

* * *

_"Fifteen! Sixteen! Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen! Twenty!"_

The crowd cheered as the college freshman was slowly dropped off the keg. Tien was there, and he raised the freshman's arm up. "Presenting the new Keg Stand champion, Jun!"

"NOT. SO. FAST."

Tien and Junior both groaned. Kuvira had stumbled into the crowd. Her face was wet with sweat and several strands of hair had plastered onto her forehead. She was flush red, like a tomato who had been told a dirty joke. Opal was rushing behind her, eyes filled with apology.

"I am the only champing... champagne... champion here," Kuvira said, stumbling in place a bit. "What's the game?"

Jun grinned. "You think you can beat my record? I'll tell you this missy-"

"He concedes!" Junior said quickly. "He knows he's not as good as you. You don't need to do anything."

"Umm, no I do NOT," Jun huffed back. "There's no way I'd ever lose to a GIRL. Girls suck at drinking, everyone knows that!"

Kuvira turned to look at Opal, a fire in her heavily inebriated eyes. The younger girl sighed. "Fine, go ahead."

* * *

 

_"Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five..."_

Kuvira was propped up by Bataar Jr. and Opal, handstanding on the keg and chugging beer from a hose connected to the keg.

"Yay, you won Kuvira!" Cheered Opal. Jun was grumbling to himself. "You can stop now."

_"Twenty-eight, twenty-nine..."_

"Kuvira?" Junior asked? "You heard us, right?"

_"Thirty-two, thirty-three..."_

* * *

_"Sixty! Sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three..."_

"Kuv, my arms are tired."

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"

Everyone outside turned to see Aiwei standing in the doorframe leading into the house. The counting quickly ceased. Opal and Junior brought Kuvira down from her keg stand, and the guard staggered over to the elder Zaofu resident.

"Don't worry sir, no-hic! Nothing is wrong hair. Here. Here thar be nothing wrong, ya mateys!" she explained with a slur.

Aiwei looked pointedly at Kuvira. "What have you been doing?"

"I AM THE GREATEST DRINKER IN THE WORLD!" she exclaimed.

Then she threw up over Aiwei's robes.

There were gasps. Junior's eyes widened as his face turned red. Opal's face paled and she covered her mouth in shock. Aiwei looked down at his robes, then at Kuvira, then the Beifong children with narrow, angry eyes.

"Well," he started, his voice barely containing his anger, "she's not LYING. She THINKS it's the truth."

" _Knows_ , Aiwei. I KNOW it's the truth." Kuvira grinned, before her stomach churned again and she resumed throwing up.


End file.
